


How Not To Be A Soldier

by Itneveroccurredtomeatall



Series: Stucky Bingo 2019 [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Bingo, Identity Issues, M/M, Present Tense, Soldiers, Stucky Bingo 2019, War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-18
Updated: 2019-10-18
Packaged: 2020-12-22 14:30:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21078344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Itneveroccurredtomeatall/pseuds/Itneveroccurredtomeatall
Summary: He hates himself for it, but, sometimes, he hopes the war will never end. Or that he’ll die in it. That wouldn’t be so bad.For the "soldier" square for Stucky Bingo 2019





	How Not To Be A Soldier

**Author's Note:**

> This is for the square "soldier" 
> 
> It's kind of short and a bit sad, but it was fun to write! :)

He’s forgotten how not to be a soldier. 

Steve has been a soldier for the majority of his life. It isn’t logical, but he can barely remember his life before enlisting. He’s not nearly old enough to have spent the majority of his years as a soldier. But even as a child, he was always fighting. He fought the bullies and the overwhelming sadness and his asthma.

He’s pulled so many triggers that, if he were forced to count out how many people he’s killed, he’d be up all night. Possibly two.

And the worse thing is that it doesn’t particularly bother him. He knows it should. After all, those people had families. They’d certainly had more of a life and more of a reason to live than Steve. 

He’s sick of fighting. But he’s not sure what he’d do if he woke up tomorrow and could go home.

He hates himself for it, but, sometimes, he hopes the war will never end. Or that he’ll die in it. That wouldn’t be so bad. 

But he can’t go home. He’s not sure what he’ll do. His fear of going home eclipses his fear of anything else. The enemy is nothing compared to the emptiness he knows he’ll have if he ever leaves the war. Without it, he doesn’t exist. 

So, day after day, he puts on the suit and laces his boots. He stands in line and awaits commands. He watches the others die as he continues on. He goes to bed and wakes up and does it all over again. 

Steve doesn’t know who he is without it. He’s afraid of what war has made him and he’s afraid he can’t tell the difference between who he was before and what he’s become. 

Until, one day, he remembers how not to be a soldier. There’s a man who’s, somehow, even more of a soldier than him. His name is Bucky. 

And Steve immediately loves him more than anyone and more than anything. Even the war. For the first time in years, he can see a different future, one full of laughter and opportunities and so much love. He wants that future more than anything. 

So they leave together and try to remember who they were. They travel around the world for years, for longer than they’d been at war. They hike as many mountains as they can find just to watch the sun rise and chase away the darkness and bathe them in its light. Steve starts to draw again. Bucky starts writing. They get lost in Venice, backtracking over countless small bridges and riding in gondolas when they’re too tired to continue walking. They spend hours in the Louvre staring at paintings and statues or simply wandering through the rooms. They walk the entirety of the Wales Coast Path and then the entirety of the Great Wall. 

In the process, they grow up into new people. Steve’s certain he’s become a better person. He thinks Bucky has, too. 

One day, while they’re standing on the Golden Gate Bridge waiting for the sun to rise, Steve realizes they’ve grown old together. His joints ache now more often than not and his hair is nearly all grey; Bucky’s hair is the same.

They’d never stopped traveling and established a home base, but he realizes, as the dawn breaks and the sunlight hits Bucky, home was with Bucky. He’d seen the world without ever having to leave his home. 

And Steve finally feels whole. He’d been afraid war was all that he was because fighting had been all that he’d know, but it wasn’t. 

Steve is more than that now; his identity is inextricably intertwined with Bucky and war is a distant memory. 

Steve has never felt happier. 


End file.
